The binge that never happened. by athina Blog entry

Blog: * in pursuit of perfection *
by athina

The binge that never happened.

Onwards & upwards, as they say.

Date: 12/4/2006 9:11:51 AM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2734 times

It started innocently enough with my accompanying my grandmother to her friends house for afternoon tea. I thought that I would just sit there and sip on tea in accordance with my fast and all would be ok.

I arrive at her friend's house and sat down. The hostess brought out coffee instead which I had to drink. Along with the coffee came two plates of sweets for each guest. Because my grandmother had been complaining for days that I stopped eating at her house, I started to feel some pressure to eat the sweets. I thought to make an excuse - but then at that point she mentioned her feelings to her friend and both began staring at me, and I felt cornered.

How I allow myself to be cornered by two such sweet well-meaning old ladies is a testement to my inner strength and resilience!! I decided that I would have to eat a couple of things so chose two mini-croissants, two tiny crackers, and a miniscule soft sweet made of pastry and walnuts. I chewed each bite 30 times and I must admit that they were extraordinarily delicious, such a treat.

Upon eating these sweet things though I started to feel edgy and nervous from so much sugar all at once and the feelings of guilt started taking over my body. After dropping my grandmother off at her house I strolled by the local fast food joint and considered (more times than I'd like to admit) buying fries as 'a last meal' before recommencing my fast the next day. I then forced myself to walk further until reaching the chocolate shop and considered buying a chocolate bar with nuts, another weakness for me. I almost went so far as to walk to the door before turning and leaving fast as I can. This process repeated itself at the variety store and continued throughout the night as an inner battle raged through me to go out and binge out of guilt for what happened to me that day.

My nervousness reached a peak around midnight, my blood sugar had been low all day, so I gave in and made a soup I was considering eating post fast. After eating it I drank some senna tea and went to bed.

I survived the potential binge attack that night, but the war was not over.

Woke up this morning feeling miserable, mucous clogging my lungs and throat. Feelings of guilt pervading every inch of my body. Things at work were not going well and I started feeling depressed and considered giving up the fast again. Decided the best thing to do would be to just go to bed. So I did around 1pm. It's now 5pm and the feeling of sanity has returned.

I'm not sure if the above are documenting the beginning of some sort of eating disorder and I'm concerned. I just love this 'clean' feeling of fasting and hated how all that sugar made me feel the day before. My head has cleared - it's like the clouds have lifted again and the sun is shining.

I love fasting and have to admit that it's addictive. Perhaps I can go through the rest of my life eating lightly to maintain this high. As a former user of soft drugs I can admit that I prefer the consistent high of fasting to any temporary high that leaves me feeling cloudy and depressed afterwards. I'm convinced that my post-fast inclusion of raw foods, quality protein sources and exercise will only make things better. Onwards & upwards, as they say.