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a reason to celebrate 19 y
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i just realized that it has been almost precisely three years since my first full-on breakdown.
spurred on by my lack of job prospects and an abnormally cruel rejection from someone about whom i cared very deeply (read: thought i would probably marry), my first full-blown episode of severe depression left me totally incapacitated.
at the time it struck, i was at my parents’ home on vacation. though they have a relatively large duplex, my younger siblings (adults, as well, but younger than me) were also living there, and so there wasn’t a lot of space. i had just finished my yearly su ... read more Ok, so I've been a bit lazy... 19 y
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...but I finally missed this blog enough to come back to it, and now seems as good a time as any. thanks for the comments while i’ve been away. i really do appreciate them, despite my lack of response. due to some external factors, i just needed to take a break from this blog for a while.
There have been a few struggles in the past months. I’ve worked too much, gotten too stressed out, and, sadly, neglected myself a good bit.
Some very good things have also happened, though. I am really enjoying living in one place, and am not, as of yet, missing the big city at all. This is, perhap ... read more Dirty Work 19 y
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Well, I’ve spent a long time distracting myself. I’ve been getting the new house in order and trying to finish numerous improvement projects. But I think, really, that all of these activities have just been an excuse not to work on the hardest thing, myself. Ideally, this would be the ”project” I’d be most excited about. But I have to admit I’m currently viewing the whole self-improvement/self-focus issue with a lot of dread. After gritting my teeth through my ”vacation,” when I got to my new house, all I wanted to do was to escape. Not just from the situation, but from myself, and from al ... read more Coffee and the blood type diet 19 y
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Yesterday was one of the better days I have had in a long time. While I’d like to take credit for that (and I do, just a little), the truth is, I think my heightened sense of well-being was due in large part to....
Caffeine!
I had a cup of coffee (espresso, actually, so comparably less caffeine) in the morning and I felt ridiculously fantastic all day long.
This might seem like a pretty mundane observation, but it never ceases to amaze me how much coffee ”works” for me. It doesn’t just wake me up. It makes me feel G-R-E-A-T. And there is no ”crash” afterwards. I feel continuously ... read more New House 19 y
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Well, the past six weeks have been very difficult. Our long visit home was much harder than I had anticipated. However, we have moved into our new house, and now things are going very smoothly.
Dealing with my family during our ”vacation” was extremely taxing and sad. Perhaps we are all going through personal issues that make it harder for us to get along. It seemed that no matter how low my expectations were, they were always undercut. I haven’t really spoken with any of my family members since we left, so I can only imagine that they felt the same way about me. Maybe we all were tryin ... read more A new leaf 19 y
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I hope that the next few weeks will help me to gain some perspective on my issues with food.
I am sure that my diet is the number one factor influencing my health (and lack thereof), whether mental, physical, or emotional. My emotional connection with food (both related to food itself and to my body image and struggle for control) has absolutely led me straight to where I am today.
For some time, I have felt very strongly that a juice fast and colon cleanse are things I need to do for my health in the near future. I’ve made some gradual changes in my diet, but there hasn’t been a goo ... read more Yoga! 19 y
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Ooh! I had the greatest class tonight! In keeping with my last post, I went to an hour-long class, instead of a ninety-minute class. It was super! It’s a wonderful feeling to feel that class is too short, rather than excruciatingly long. Definitely helps me to look forward to the next class.
And, whether coincidentally or not, I acutally found myself smiling during vinyasas! Smiling! Vinyasas have always been a challenge for me because of my lack of strength, so this was a real breakthrough. It was like by letting go, I was able to actually enjoy them. Amazing.
It really is incredibl ... read more Gradual progress, yoga and colon cleansing 19 y
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Ok. More pressing matters motivate me, and my planned post addiction part two will have to wait.
Oh my god. I continue to take small steps forward on finding balance in my physical health. It is hard for me not to beat myself up for not doing all at once (i.e. fasting, 2x a day yoga, and full-on colon cleanse), but I am making progress. Despite the ”all or nothing” mentality I constantly struggle with in every area of my life, I am coming to actually believe (in my heart!) that implementing gradual changes will be more effective, not less. Intellectually, I know this is absolutely true, ... read more Addiction 19 y
Part one.
In junior high and high school, I was terrified of addiction. Compulsive behavior runs rampant in my family, and by that time, I knew I had a problem with food, so I was unwilling to introduce alcohol and drugs into the mix. I was invariably the one at parties with a can of sprite. My abstinence was also probably a bit due to my parents’ completely open attitude about drugs and alcohol.
My dad on weed, ”If you’re at a party and you want to smoke some grass, just go for it--but don’t drive home. Just give me a call and I’ll pick you up.”
My mom on weed, ”You know, you might want to ... read more Edited 19 y
Thursday thoughts.
Thanks to all the commenters! You guys are so nice. Your responses made me smile, laugh, and even cry a little (for good reasons). I really didn’t start writing with the thought that anyone would read this, but it’s just astonishing to me that not only does this exercise have purely personal benefits, but that other people take the time to say supportive things. It’s totally unexpected, but really great.
I’ve been feeling so good the past few days. Perhaps I wasn’t headed into a new depressive spell after all (PMS is tricky that way), but regardless, I am thankful for the current clarit ... read more 3.2 19 y
End of the day.
Wow. Yoga tonight was Hard. Really hard! It’s kind of exciting to take a really hard class. I had to modify a lot, but it still felt great. Last week, someone mentioned that I would have an easier time returning to regular practice if I didn’t compare myself to my classmates. That is one of the few things that is actually not a problem for me at the moment. I am so heavy and out of shape that I can’t help but just be inspired by the other people in my class. There’s really no comparison whatsoever, as I’m nowhere near at the same level of practice right now. It’s very freeing! I worked h ... read more Day Three 19 y
Baby steps.
Last night was the first time I felt really good in a long time. My boyfriend and I went out to dinner and had a lovely time. Dinner was not terribly healthy. But I didn’t feel out of control. Today I had a smoothie and we went for a long walk in the park. It was super!
I held off on another P&B today. I am not drinking enough water with this colon cleanse, I think. Right now, it is doing the opposite of cleansing or flushing. The P&B shakes seem to get stuck, and I feel plugged up and nauseated. I think I will have to give in and do an enema. I don’t really do so well with enemas, but ... read more Colon Cleanse 2 19 y
Brief thoughts.
Well, it took me an hour to drink the whole quart of salt water. It was most difficult in the middle. I think tomorrow I might try the suggestion of dissolving the salt in a smaller amount of water, drinking that quickly, and then drinking the rest of the water immediately after. Some people on the MC forum have had good results with that, and it might work for me as well. We’ll see. I’d like to be able to finish the flush earlier in the day, so that I have more time to enjoy the beautiful spring weather we finally have.
It is definitely working! I felt a rush of headache and nausea a ... read more Responses to comments (brief) 19 y
Responses to comments (response function wasn't working!)
Colon Cleanse! 19 y
First salt flush.
I am excited about starting my colon cleanse. I am drinking my first salt flush now. Ok. It is not quite as unpleasant as I had expected, but a quart seems like an eternity!
Drinking salt water is a very strange sensation. For me, I feel a sort of primal resistance to the salt water, as if my very cells know that they will not be able to absorb it (Or maybe I just have an overactive imagination, which is fine with me!). This resistance is fascinating and enlightening. After years of eating reactively, and of eating not to nourish my body, but to satiate my feelings and even to punish my ... read more Writing, weight, and familial ranting (exceedingly petty!) 19 y
Scattered thoughts after an intense day.
For years therapists and caring friends and family members have suggested that I keep a journal. I have never been able to. I would invariably go back through my writing and rip out all the pages, embarassed at what I had written. It seemed so self-indulgent, and I never made it more than a few days without giving up alltogether. But email has always been an easy way for me to express myself. I never really thought about it, but I think part of the problem was just my level of comfort with pen-and-paper writing versus typing. Keeping a bound journal seems much more romantic to me, but I ... read more First Conscious Steps 19 y
My first evaluation of my difficulties.
Depression has been my companion for almost as long as I can remember. I have a long family history of moderate to severe mental illness, so perhaps it is my birthright. My parents did the best they could, and my childhood was wonderful in many ways. But their own insecurities and difficulties were only magnified in their interactions with me.
Many depression sites I have seen have described the idea of returning to a childlike joy, but I struggled with depression by age six. I remember very clearly the anxiety I felt if I scored anything less than 100 on any school work, and I was comp ... read more |