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Blog: Journey back from depression
by woodlawn

30 blog entries; 17 entries per page; 1 pages; viewed 91,520 times
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Ok, so I've been a bit lazy...

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Date:   10/19/2005 5:52:44 PM   ( 9 y ) ... viewed 1498 times

...but I finally missed this blog enough to come back to it, and now seems as good a time as any. thanks for the comments while i've been away. i really do appreciate them, despite my lack of response. due to some external factors, i just needed to take a break from this blog for a while.

There have been a few struggles in the past months. I've worked too much, gotten too stressed out, and, sadly, neglected myself a good bit.

Some very good things have also happened, though. I am really enjoying living in one place, and am not, as of yet, missing the big city at all. This is, perhaps, the most fascinating development. and I still am a bit surprised by it. I remember a part in the Noonday Demon (btw, anyone struggling with depression or with family members who has depression should read this astoundingly powerful book!) in which someone had written the author suggesting that moving out of new york might help his depression. and i remember the first time i read it, i thought about how unrealistic and unlikely that was, and how much the city helped me. well, if i wasn't ready to live someplace less hectic at that time, i certainly am now. and i do think it has helped me mentally. i may shift back to wanting city life again, but for the moment, i am really happy to be in a rather sleepy town. And i am absolutely giddy with anticipation for ski season.

I also got a sizeable promotion at work, which was extremely nice. I got a moderate raise, which was a plus, but it was really the recognition that felt so great. I'm still working too much, at the moment, but many things in my life are going very, very well. My relationship with my boyfriend is the best it has ever been, and we are thinking about buying a house. he is doing great on his own path.

I'm also completely off antidepressants. I took them on occasion over the summer (five or six times, total), but I found that I had an extremely negative reaction to them, so i stopped. perhaps a time will come in the future in which i need them again, and i am very open to that possibilty, as i do believe they saved my life. but for the time being, they just are not working right with my chemistry.

i think part of this may be due to the fact that lately, i've found myself having more problems with anxiety than with depression. the antidepressant i have had the best results with is Wellbutrin, which is an activating drug. because of this, it can exacerbate anxiety. i have always had problems with anxiety, and i did have it alongside my most severe bout of depression. when i had both, i found wellbutrin really helped both of them. however, now that i just have anxiety, i've found that wellbutrin makes things much worse for me. i might think that wellbutrin had some link to causing my anxiety, but i haven't taken it regularly since last fall, so i don't know about that. i know it's very possible that it has made some lasting changes, however, i continue to respect what it did for me once. nonetheless, i am off it completely for now.

my anxiety is actually what led me back to the blog. since i wanted to explore some natural remedies (which will hopefully help support the lifestyle changes that i know i need to make) i stopped in this fabulous new natural pharmacy today in order to look at some options. this place was amazing! they have a natural practitioner on duty at all times, and she was so incredibly helpful. she recommended a combination of herbs that they were sold out of at the moment, so i'll be going back tomorrow to pick some up. what a great asset to have a natural pharmacy like this in the community. going there made me think that my lack of health insurance might even be a blessing of sorts, as it led me to explore other avenues for recovery. and isn't that why i started this blog in the first place?

in eating news, i had gone back to eating meat again, but i have now given up red meat for the past month, and that has already made an enormous change in the way i feel physically. i just do not handle red meat well, and this is something i have observed time and time again. but somehow, once i taste it once, something about it makes me lust for it for ages. i know that's a common issue with many food sensitivities, and it always takes me until i feel really bad to finally give it up again. anyway, after having given it up for a month, i have no desire for it whatsoever. i think that simple change is part of what has helped me to have more enthusiasm for taking other steps to nurture myself.

i think the most important things for me at the moment are to try to find some balance with my work, include more activity in my life (which will hopefully come pretty naturally once i stop working all the time), and continue to refine my diet and supplements to support my health. basically, the same goals i always have!

in light of that, it's amazing how easy it is to get swept up in the simple quest to survive (of course, "survive" for me takes on a decidedly modern meaning). how many times in the past month have i guzzled gigantic coffee after gigantic coffee just to "get through" a marathon work session? too many. how many times have i eaten sub-par food just to quell the acid in my stomach? more than i can count!

there's just no doubt that stress builds upon stress and unhealthy behaviors quickly spiral out of control. i have to get my work situation under control before i can make the meaningful changes i'd like to make in my life. i'm working on that right now. as my financial situation comes into greater control, I'm going to continue to back off on my workload.

most importantly, i am dedicated to implementing routines that will support my own needs, and that will ensure that work stays within proper boundaries. right now, it has crept into all areas of my life like some raging vine of Kudzoo.

but, with that said, i've got some work to do!


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