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Love to my family
cold today
Date: 1/30/2010 2:16:42 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1299 times Up at 6 this morning. Spoke at a meeting this morning on Step 5. 13 years sober and I still didn't 'clean house, trust God'. I believe if I truly had, I would not have HAD to drink. People say we never HAVE to drink again. I believe that statement is true, however only if certain conditions are met. My alcoholism and grief over the loss of my only child demanded treatment. I treated it. I hurt other terribly and I hurt myself. So now I am 1 year sober and starting over.
I came home, ate, then went to work for 3 hours. I was able to be of service to my employer. Taking a break. Need to take care of finances. Neglecting them for 3 weeks. Just not healthy behavior.
I am now in the lovely state I abandoned, in the only town where I've ever had true peace in my heart. It is quaint, I am grateful.
Some AAs say that we live where God wants us to live, we get sober how, where, and when God wants us to. I just don't think I can subscribe to that belief. Perhaps not now. I know that it is not mine to say 'no, never'. I cannot help but regret all that I have done in this moment. I miss those I've loved. Chuck C. says as alcoholics we've lost the priviledge and should not expect those priviledges to return. If I remember this and put my thoughts to being thankful for what I have right here, right now and remind myself that I loved those people and do not wish to hurt them further - then my being alone is somehow tolerable.
It is in right living that I can love my dead child, it is in right living that I can make amends to the family I've hurt deeply, it is in right living that I might spark the joy of living again.
I am warming up and will eat. How fortunate I am that I have full use of my body, I can work, I have food and a warm home.
I will then walk out into this village where I live and say only prayers of gratitude for all I've had, for all that I am in this moment. I will say prayers for right intentions as I live out each day from now, from here. I pray that I will fulfill the ability I have to show others light and love. I pray that I will not wsate this day, I will not fear my future.
I do not have the courage to read comments or posts in response. I am a coward. I will just keep going.
I love my child, where ever God takes him when they die. I love my family as they live without me. I love the very breath I am given against my will.
I pray that I will stop loving my misery and love service more.
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