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change in the moment
light
Date: 4/1/2010 9:08:25 AM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1165 times Woke up dreaming about my ex-husband. Miss him, our life, my dreams. We had one dream together - just to stay together through everything. We missed that mark.
Dozed off. Woke up remembering my mother's despair throughout my life and how it manifested. I was 15 and I truly believed then that she would've killed me if she could have. I remembered when I was 14 waking up Easter morning to nothing. No plans, no candy, no well wishes. She slept until 11 or so then showered and left to hang out with her friends to drink.
I remembered feeling hated and unwanted by both my parents. My father took off and never called or wrote. Took my sister with him.
NONE OF THIS IS REAL. IT IS NOT REAL TODAY. TODAY THE ONLY THING REAL IS MY CONNECTION TO GOD. GOD IS THE REASON I LIVE TODAY.
I fear how I've hurt my ex-husband and step-kids by drinking and leaving; by destroying our 'family'. It was shaky and ready to collapse at any second - but I did it. Now I am left feeling like I am stuck in a cycle, a mind-set, a body/mind I cannot control or change.
Bull.
I walked through the parking lot here at work this morning and realized that it is not my past that determines today, what people think of me or my capabilities today that determines me - it is God that determines me.
How many times have, at the very last second, the miracle pulled the person through, the situation changed completely, light lit up the devastation and began the healing process?
I am done with my darkness. It may land on me, true. I refuse to carry it.
I REFUSE TO CARRY IT.
God, help me to change through action, prayer, generosity, loving kindness, and more positive action than I think I am capable of.
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