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try again, afternoon break
afternoon break
Date: 5/26/2010 3:20:35 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 2759 times Full of anxiety - grief symptoms returning: shortness of breath, thick tongue, anxiety, softly asking for help outloud without realizing it until I've done it, looking for 'buzz' in anything, daydreaming about what was. Man oh man.
Finishing up salad with strawberries and sunflower seeds. It was big and I was working while I ate. Drank a cup of miso soup as well. Checking email every hour for diversion. Created spreadsheet with a ton of formulas for unsold inventory vs. reports needed against reports in storage, blah, blah, blah. Saying silent prayers for ex in his 3pm meeting to payoff balance due to me. Was absolutely convinced walking into work this morning I should just forgive the debt as my way of making amends. Hmmmm. Give it 30 days of raw vegan, exericise, prayer, meetings, and deep discussion with trusted friends and sponsor before I make THAT decision.
He has not ONCE apologized to me and I hurt still. God, why do I really want him back today? Because it wasn't all bad until I began to fall down under the stress of huge grief. I loved him, he loved me. I still love him. He still loves me. The other day in our meeting when I asked him to please practice respectful listening body posture and eye contact because I deserve just as he does - he changed his disrespect into respect. I KNOW he loves me. I KNOW I love him.
It's over. I'm just getting through with the warm and fuzzy of what we once had. **warning**
Mental ma******tion I believe is the term that is appropriate here. Sorry, I warned you.
Tonight my friend is coming over to hook up my stove and dishwasher I got 11 days ago. I'm not cooking so it's not a loss yet.
Off to read 'As Bill Sees It' for strength and direction.
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