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On being "trusting"
The abuser plays on open trust.
Date: 3/25/2011 11:37:37 AM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 15753 times In reference to my gullibility and need to feel needed, it never entered my mind that a) there are human predators, b) the predators are adept at contriving "facts," and c) that said predators intend, with malice, to target and destroy all manner of targets for all manner of purposes.
As I've mentioned that my youthful assertion that my trust was freely given until such time as someone's actions damaged it. My former abuser played on my trust like Yo Yo Ma plays a cello. The tales that the abuser told me of his childhood were withou corroberation - he was estranged from his mother and maternal extended family and made incredible claims of her "mental illness." He also discussed his father in terms that were beyond hero worship. The man had been a POW survivor of the Bataan Death March and was to be adored and excused for his abusive behaviors (throwing hot coffee in his wife's face) BECaUSE of his combat status. I had no reason to doubt the claims that the mother's family had "interfered" with their marriage and that the mother's mental illness were the causes for their divorce. When we began dating, the hero father had just passed away while the abuser was living with him. How sad this guy's life was!
What wasn't available then that is, now, were background checks! Not just criminal background, but credit, military, and educational checks, as well. Men and women, take this to heart! Before devoting one' Self toa partner based upon their own claims, dig deep! Run criminal, financial, military, and educational background checks! This single choice could make the difference between a lifelong partnership and years of debt, abuse, and emotional ruination. The former abuser's claims about his version of his childhood were just that - claims. I did meet his mother, once, on visit to Canada that MY parents paid for (he could never seem to hold down a job). The trip was made so that he could discuss his mother signing over her Survivor's Benefits tio him so that he could pay for his father's funeral. We stayed in her apartment for a week, visited with his mother's family, and he NEVER left the 2 of us alone to get to know one another for a minute - this is a red, red flag! It never dawned on me that he was monitoring our conversations - I just assumed that he wanted to "be with me" because he "loved" me so deeply.
As it turned out, she kept the benefits and paid off the funeral home, but she never saw her son, again, bless her. Over the years, she tried to communicate with him, but he ignored her and she never knew her grandchildren.
As time went on, the abuser's world seemed more and more tragic. His mother was a crazy, selfish bitch, employers always had it in for him, he could never afford to make ends meet, and he couldn't trust anyone - except me, of course. So, what THIS abuser did was to divide and conquer - keep anyone at bay who coul shoot holes in his version of events or prove them to be outright fabrications.
Had I ever behaved like an adult with some semblance of maturity, I would have engaged in a rational discussion with the abuser's Cheating Ex-girlfriend and learned about the abuse that she endured and what a financial leech he really was. Instead, I was The Only One who believed in him and took his word as his bond. For that single failure, I made a decision and choice to trust this person and committed myself to him
Trust, and the perversion of that trust began almost immediately, and reference to that continued campaign will take a few more posts. Suffice it to say that NOBODY who has anything to hide will object to a thorough background check! Oh, sure, their feelings might be hurt, but if they come back refusing with, "Don't you trust me?," then it might be wise to reconsider this person as a Life Partner. "Should there be a reason for me NOT to trust you? If not, you won't mind my inquiries," is a perfectly reasonable response.
Blessings!
If you believe that you are in an abusive relationship, or if you're trying to Survive one, contact http://www.ndvh.org,
the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can direct you to local resources, including counseling and exit strategy experts and legal resources. Don't wait - it NEVER gets better, as the Great Creator is my witness.
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