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Reclaiming the Self
The Spark of Life
Date: 4/17/2011 7:25:42 AM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 1494 times Now, if anyone were to meet me in "Real Life," what my posts, comments, and suggestions might convey is a serious, bitter, and angry person who can only focus on what a bad, bad person the former abuser was. The truth of the matter is that I "spesk" in a serious narue abour victimization because it is a cycle that CAN be ended, to a great degree. Once again, by use of CAPS is not meant to convey shouting, and I hope that my typos are interesting ones! :-D
The reclaimation of the Self has been a daily process with many, many potholes and detours along my healing path. For all victims, just making that choice to end the relationship is one of the hardest decisions to come to. There's the fear of the unknown - how am I going to make it out there, especially after hearing what a "nobody" I was for all of those years? Nobody else will ever "want" me, either - I'm seriously damaged goods and I've been involved in some pretty ugly things. Will I lose my children? What about all of my personal belongings? And......most of all, what about my "love" for this person?
The Great Unknown - what a daunting thing it is for victims. The very Life's Spark of a victim is snuffed out by the abuser, deliberately, and with malice. That personal spirit is replaced with an imposter Self that is based upon fear, dread, and suspicion. The Unknown has been progrmmed into a victim's psyche as a dark, dangerous, and (most of all) HOPELESS place. Change means RISK, and risk means FAILURE to a victim. The victim has learned again, and again, that all risks resulted in punishment and failure. The simple human act of mistakes and unwise decisions has resulted in catastrophic consequences from the abuser. The Great Unknown is not seen as a new, and possibly liberating, frontier of adventure, personal freedom, and choice.
Losing belongings. Okay, what did I ever have that was more valuable than my own soul? THINGS can be replaced - a soul cannot. And, one of the interesting things that I discovered was just how much NEGATIVE energy an inanimate object can actually carry! Everything that I had been "given" by the abuser, and the material objects that I had acrued, all came at a tremendous price. Think about it: the abuser rewarded me with clothing when I gave into his demands. The abuser gifted me with jewelry when I kept my mouth shut about beatings and spousal rape - jewelry that was purchased using a secret credit account that never was paid off. No, no, no, Things are expendable, even real estate. Nothing that was gotten during an abusive relationship is worth staying for, or keeping.
Lose the children? It's possible, because I lost mine in the process. But, it's imperative to recognize this one Truth; children raised in an abusive environment are already "lost" to either a lifetime of abusing, a lifetime of victimization, or years of therapy to prevent either. If an exit is executed with the help of a good divorce attorney and advice of shelter personnel, the children need not be left behind. In my case - pay close attention, please - I lost my children to the abuser because I STILL wouldn't speak truthfully about what he did to me, what I was coerced to do, and so forth. Additionally, I chose to fool myself into maintaining that the abuser would surely be reasonable when it came to the children. And, finally, I was still trying to play the role of Peacemaker - the abuser was working and also had to pay nearly 800 per month to satisfy the bankruptcy debts and couldn't possibly afford to pay me child support, so I let the children stay with him. I did this all by the seat of my pants, and without the advice of an attorney. My children paid for my stupidity, so I own t5hat mistake 100%. Understand this, also: the abuser has MADE their victim crazy by design, and with malice. It is not uncommon for the abuser to retain custody of children. Children are NOT property to be shared, but human beings with fragile souls and breakable psyches! If the abuser does retain custody, there will be another day to get them back and get them safe. Starting down thw healing path is not something that we can drag our children into with us - healing one's Self in preparatiob for the child's healing later is vital.
"But, I LOVE him/her!" Do you, really? Do you "love" them for their outstanding virtues and morals, or do you "love" the FANTASY and ILLUSION that they present and continue promising to become? "It will be different this time," and, "I'll never do that again," and the ever popular, "I'll get counseling this time." So, the abuser has made the same empty promises over, and over, and NEVER makes good on any of them. Oh, right - he DID go to 3 counseling sessions, but quickly abandoned it when the counselor began to peel back those layers of rose petals to find that core of putridity that was so cleverly hidden. The abuser is a liar from the gate - an illusionist, and a fabricator. So, precisely what do you "love" about the abuse? Do you love the constant drama that the abuser perpetrates? Do you love the sexua| pain, humiliation, and degradation that the abuser inflicts? Do you love having to lie to friends, family, and even your children about every aspect of your life? Do you love the threats of murder and suicide? What about your financial status? Do you love having to beg and barter so that the abuser will provide the simplest of needs? Write it down! Write down exactly WHAT the abuser is loved for and you will instantly see that nothing that they do is based upon "love." Yes, the former abuser would laugh and joke - but, it was NEVER out of joyous mirth. The laughter usually meant a pause in the abuse. The former abuser did not "love" our children - they were just easy targets to be used, manipulated, and terrorized at his whim. No - complete honesty taught me that I loved the ILLUSION. The real personna of the abuser was evil, perverted, and utterly merciless.
When I began to take a long, hard look at what I had been reduced to, and what was really happening to our children, I realized that I had to face down some serious fears, or slide off that outcropping in the abyss of abuse and resign myself to that dark horror for the rest of my life. I was dying, emotionally, and had finally gotten to the point where I was actually wishing myself to die, physically. My children were learning how to abuse and how to BE HELPLESS. If I did not even TRY to save my Slef, then I believed that I would, at that point, get exactly what I had wanted: a slow, terrible, and wasting death.
But, there was a very, very tiny Life Spark left that had remained insulated by the ashes of my ruined life. That teeny spark shone through and I was amazed that it still held any heat, even though it was faint, and dying. So, I brushed away the ashes of misery, deception, and denial, and begant to breathe the air of freedom onto that tiny spark. I fed it with little bits of hope, faith, and healing, and that tiny spark began to grow. And, yes, there were many times when that flame would become smothered with ash from the past or the moisture of bitter tears, but that Life Spark was always there and I could always get it going if I was patient and diligent.
Nothing in this lifetime is guaranteed except one thing: an object at rest tends to remain at rest, and an object in motion tends to remain in motion. If we refuse to take the steps to fan our Life's Spark back into a flame, then the ruination of our own life becomes our responsibility, once we recognize that we have been made a victim. Survival is hard, slow, and one hell of a risky business, but what's the alternative?
Brightest blessings!
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